..this is why i wanted to write a blog

just few hours ago. i broke up with my boyfriend.

and just the same.. few hours ago.. we reconciled.

this happened almost thirty times in the entirety of our almost eleven months relationship.

shit, i'm so stupid.

sometimes, i wondered how people intend to get stupid just because they thought they love someone... until a time comes when, they really do love them and just can't live without them.

falling in love with mr. wrong. falling with the wrong guy.. and just couldn't just leave.

that's the saddest part of all. i just can't let him go..

how did i do it and regretted doing it?

when i told him it's over. when i hung up. i curled to my bed and cried so hard i had to stop myself from whimpering like a child.

i had to hug myself. i had to remind myself.. it will all be alright.

i had to say to myself.. i had to convince myself, i did the right choice.

i wanted to be free. i wanted him to just give me to someone i deserve. to someone who will take care of me and love me.

but i can't let him go no matter how hard i try.

so i'm sorry. i'm guilty of liking someone and not having the courage to let my current relationship go.

and i know if he finds out.. he'll kill me. he'll get so mad and i just can't afford that. i can't hurt two important people at the same time.

and now my head is going to burst. i dunno what to do.

i often told my friends that if i lose this one man.. my world will crumble into pieces i won't be able to fix.

but i just know this.

one day, when i'm strong enough.

i will let him go..

even if it kills me.