..this is why i wanted to write a blog

just few hours ago. i broke up with my boyfriend.

and just the same.. few hours ago.. we reconciled.

this happened almost thirty times in the entirety of our almost eleven months relationship.

shit, i'm so stupid.

sometimes, i wondered how people intend to get stupid just because they thought they love someone... until a time comes when, they really do love them and just can't live without them.

falling in love with mr. wrong. falling with the wrong guy.. and just couldn't just leave.

that's the saddest part of all. i just can't let him go..

how did i do it and regretted doing it?

when i told him it's over. when i hung up. i curled to my bed and cried so hard i had to stop myself from whimpering like a child.

i had to hug myself. i had to remind myself.. it will all be alright.

i had to say to myself.. i had to convince myself, i did the right choice.

i wanted to be free. i wanted him to just give me to someone i deserve. to someone who will take care of me and love me.

but i can't let him go no matter how hard i try.

so i'm sorry. i'm guilty of liking someone and not having the courage to let my current relationship go.

and i know if he finds out.. he'll kill me. he'll get so mad and i just can't afford that. i can't hurt two important people at the same time.

and now my head is going to burst. i dunno what to do.

i often told my friends that if i lose this one man.. my world will crumble into pieces i won't be able to fix.

but i just know this.

one day, when i'm strong enough.

i will let him go..

even if it kills me.

universal password sucks..

another waste of time.

i know sooner or later, i'll abandon this blog.

just like what i did to friendster blogs. to livejournal. to multiply.

but hey. so be it. i dun intend to use the internet as my primary tool for safekeeping of documents.

one day, i'll be able to read this and laugh at how stupid i have become for even creating this blog. and maybe when that happens, i'm already off creating a new blog in another website. pity.

so let me start.

i am aya. the first time i created this account was when i was in 2nd year college. since i was so into blogging in multiply, i totally forgot i ever had this blog site until now. funny. it's either having a universal password is really cool. or just really sucks.

when one account gets hacked, the others could get hacked too. i really should think of a new password today.

why did i write this? why did i resurrected this site? i dun have answers now. maybe i'm bored. maybe i'm sad. but i'm sure that i missed writing.

i wanted this blog to be private. but for some reason, i want other people to be able to read this.. just NOT my friends.

if you are actually my friend. then, i suggest, pretend you don't know me. pretend that i am a different person and that you were only hearing about and of me until now.

and understand that i am writing not because i want to share things. but because i want to remind myself how it is to write and how it is to pour out emotions through writing.

because right now, i am full of emotions... i can not distinguish which one i should use in writing. i am so full of emotions, i dunno what to say and i just hoped i am making sense.

so yeah, treat this as chapter one of the book. or the introduction. or the prologue. and watch me unfold my thoughts to you. listen to me. listen and just listen.